Strap yourselves in, folks, it’s time for another round of Arsehole of the Week, and this week’s golden derrière trophy goes to—drumroll, please—David Seymour, the ACT Party’s resident genius who thought, “You know what we need? A shiny new Treaty Principles Bill to "fix" all that pesky Māori-Crown partnership nonsense that is stopping my masters from exploiting New Zealand”
Bravo, Dave. Truly a visionary. Nothing screams “unifier” like taking a 185-year-old foundational document and scribbling over it with a crayon. So, let’s dive into why Seymour’s latest masterstroke, which is less Mona Lisa and more finger painting by a toddler on a sugar high, has crowned him Arsehole of the Week once again.
Picture this: Seymour, in his infinite wisdom, decides Te Tiriti o Waitangi needs to be retrospectively rewritten, because he doesn't want structural Māori inequalities to be addressed. His big idea? Boil down decades of legal precedent, Waitangi Tribunal rulings, and, oh, actual Māori input into three "principles" that sound like they were cooked up during a late-night libertarian Reddit binge and have nothing to do with the existing Principles .
Partnership? Pfft. Tino rangatiratanga? What's that? Let’s just slap “everyone’s equal” on it and call it a day. Who needs consultation when you’ve got a dream and a wish to alienate the vast majority of Kiwis who want an equal and functioning society? The Waitangi Tribunal called it “the worst, most comprehensive breach of the Treaty/te Tiriti in modern times.” Harsh, sure, but they probably just forgot how much of a big man Seymour was while trying to torch Māori-Crown relationship, just to entrench a bit of racism and garner the votes of a few deluded white supremacists. Right, Dave?
Now, let’s talk numbers, because Seymour loves a good stat...unless it’s inconvenient. Like, say, the 300,000 public submissions on his bill, a record-smashing 90% of which told him to take his Treaty Principles Bill and kindly shove it where the sun doesn't shine. His response? “Spam!” Oh, honey, that’s not spam; that’s the sound of a nation collectively asking; why are you wasting our money on this? But does our hero of racism back down? Nah! Instead the Coalition of Chaos attempted to ignore our democratic norms by dismissing submissions. Was Seymour concerned? Of course not. He’s too busy tweeting about how unelected judges and “elites” have “hijacked” the Treaty. Because nothing says “man of the people” like dismissing overwhelming public feedback against his stupid bill as fake news.
Seymour's gross manipulation of Parliamentary procedures didn't end there. He was all set to drop his destructive legislative dog turd on November 18, 2024, just as the largest hīkoi in New Zealands history was rolling into Wellington to protest it. But, oopsie, he shuffled it forward two weeks, leaving the Tribunal scrambling and Māori leaders calling him “dishonourable.” Just parliamentary hijinks, he says. Like manipulating our democratic system for his own benefit was nothing to worry about.
The hīkoi itself? A glorious, united middle finger, by Māori, Pākehā, young and old alike, marching from Cape Reinga to Parliament to say, “No to your racist legislation, thanks.” Seymour’s arrogant take? They haven’t read the bill. Sure, Dave, because tens of thousands of people walked thousands of kilometres to protest your divisive bill just for the vibes.
Then there’s the coalition circus. Luxon, too busy “running the country” (read: dodging the fallout), and Winston Peters, off achieving nothing overseas, left Seymour to face the music alone at the second reading on April 10, 2025. The bill tanked, 112 to 11, with ACT as the only delusional racists still waving their sad little racist flag. Even your mates ditched you, Dave. But don’t worry, he’s already plotting a comeback. A referendum in 2026, maybe? Because when your bill gets ripped up and laughed out of Parliament, the logical move is to keep flogging that dead horse until it’s glue.
Seymour’s whole shtick is that the Treaty’s been “distorted” into giving Māori “special privileges.” Oh, please. The only distortion here is the fun-house mirror these goofs are using to try and rewrite history. Māori aren’t swimming in unearned perks...they’re fighting for rights promised in 1840 which have not been provided. But why let facts ruin a good dog-whistle? Seymour’s bill doesn’t just miss the mark; it’s playing a different sport entirely, one where “equality” means erasing Māori as Treaty partners and pretending colonialism never happened.
So, here’s to you, David Seymour, our Arsehole of the Week. You took a document meant to build bridges and tried to sell it for scrap. You ignored a record-breaking backlash, snubbed a historic hīkoi, and got dumped by your own coalition partners. The people spoke, Dave...through submissions, protests, and votes, and they said, “Hard pass on your racist attempt to rewrite our founding document.” Maybe take the hint, swap the soapbox for a mirror, and reflect on why “unity” doesn’t mean flattening everyone into your version of equal. Until then, enjoy another Arsehole of the Week Award to add to your collection, David. Everybody knows you truly deserve this one.
